Baby Names

It has come to my attention that children often make fun of other children using insults that rhyme with their names. Hence, the best possible decision expectant parents can make is to name their children after words that rhyme with (almost) nothing. As a bachelor for life, I feel it’s only fair that I do my part for the breeders by reviewing my favorite unrhymeable (or almost unrhymeable) names:

1. Aitch: 9/10

Onomatopoeia for karate chopping someone in the vagina.

2. Angst: 3/911

Angst rhymes with “manxed,” which means when you’re sleeping and your cat comes along and rubs its genitals on your face.

3. Arugula: 1/10

AKA “pussy lettuce.” Pass.

4. Chaos: 666/10

Here we go.

5. Circle: whyyyyyyyyyy/10

Everyone knows this rhymes with “hurkle,” which means “to pull in all one’s limbs.” “Hurkle!” then, is not the noise Nancy Kerrigan made when she got blasted with a crowbar by Jeff Gillooly, but what she was doing during those spins to make herself go really fast. Common misconception.

6. Else: 7/10

Sounds like a cute Irish chick—like Saoirse Ronan, but hotter. And Saoirse needs a new name anyway, so…

7. Fiends: 665/10

If you have twins and name them Chaos and Fiends, you’re automatically the most awesome person whose vagina cannot be felt in more than one cardinal direction at the same time by the same penis.

8. Fugue: 0.2/10

Pretentious.

9. Music: 0/10

Rhymes only with “dysgeusic,” which means having a disorder that causes alterations in one’s sense of taste, and if you think kids on the playground aren’t going to run with that, you can eat peaches.

10. Opus: 1/Richard Dreyfuss

Rhymes only with “Hoppus,” a method of measuring timber. Do you know what they call a bundle of sticks? Probably nothing.

11. Plinth: 9/10

Rhymes only with “synth.” Also sounds like an ambient Aphex Twin song. Techno synergy!

12. Purple: 6/10

Rhymes only with “curple,” the hindquarters of a horse or donkey, and “hirple,” which means to walk with a limp. Dickensian.

13. Siren: 9.2/10

Rhymes only with “gyron,” a type of triangle in heraldry. If pink and upside-down—the triangle, I mean—then you’ve got a hot lesbian on your hands, probably literally.

14. Toilet: 10/10

No concerns.

15. Woman: 5.1/10

Potentially inaccurate.

16. Yttrium: 39/88.906

Because water soluble compounds of Yttrium are considered mildly toxic, peers with an ironic bent will often feign shock and/or drowning upon encountering your child at a neighborhood swimming hole.