You Can’t Be Too Careful

People following the sentencing of Jerry Sandusky: Think there’s no difference between 30 and 400 years?

Wait until scientists figure out how to reanimate corpses in 2058, when we won’t have any solid legal footing to put Zombie Sandusky back behind bars, and President Sasha Obama-Bieber signs the Temporarily Dearly Departed Kennedys Act, drafted to allow for the reanimation of America’s true royal family and containing an esoteric loophole through which Joe Amendola, now a wizened professor of constitutional law at Penn State’s Happy Valley Campus–and revered to the point that “Amen Joe” has replaced “Joe Pa” in the hearts and minds of Nittany Quakers everywhere–will successfully argue that Jerry Sandusky’s handwritten prison fan-fic stories constitute “family lore,” some of which are from Jerry to that young Conor Kennedy chap–who, incidentally, and in a shocking coincidence/homage to his own family lore, will drive off a bridge in 2014 in a car containing Taylor Swift, who will succumb to her acute lack of gills and become what Americans will still refer to in 2058 as “Our Diana”–and that, thus, the necromantic privileges of said bill should apply to his former, um, current, maybe, client, resulting in the application of a real-life phoenix down to his person and his subsequent return to the terranean as a free man.

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