Initial Agenda If You Build Your Own Death Star

I was writing this to some chick on OkCupid who indicated that personal Death Stardom was one of her objectives.  By the time I sent it, she “had left the site,” which probably means she read my profile and hated me.  Here’s the stupid 5-minute one-off message she missed. Dating is still SUPER FUN in case you were wondering:

1) Destroy Pluto. I ain’t mad at Pluto, but the “Planet or Planetoid?” argument is over and done with. Blast it into Kuiper Belt smithereens.

2) Assuming you used/modified the original plans, you might wanna redesign the HVAC system so it doesn’t have air ducts big enough to fly a spaceship through.

3) No roombas. Droids hate roombas. Vacuum your Death Star the old-fashioned way, trust me.

4) Carve a picture of a penis into the Moon. Your Death Star has variable power, right? And penises are funny.

5) Don’t skimp on the alcohol at the yearly Death Star Christmas Party. This is just general advice for keeping morale high.

6) Point the giant communications dish toward the Telemundo satellite on April Fool’s Day.