I wrote an email to a lady to try and have a date

Hi, now you know my last name [from my email address]. (My sir name is Viscount Matthew von Idiotville the Seventh Esquire, is a thing I would say in person but not type, because homophones don’t work so well in text) Nor does Homo Phone, the dating app I programmed. The name is a play on the fact that we’re homo sapiens, but nobody seems to get it. There’s even homo habilis functionality where the app will respond if you bash your phone against a rock! But very low sales, and the reviews keep saying “delete and get Grindr.” I like to respond personally to these reviews, if for nothing else to correct the typo of Grinder, my other app that allows you to charge your phone by smashing your teeth together while you sleep. It’s tough to break into this whole app business.

That extended joke using homophone as a homonym brought to you by a childhood of sadness, probably

Do you like wheelchair breakdancing? There’s a semi-official music video for one of my favorite musicians, Aphex Twin, that consists of a hydrocephalic youngster with impossibly malleable bone and flesh structure wheelchair breakdancing and inhaling an enormous line of coke in a closet with a frightened chihuahua. I don’t condone 90+% of what’s going on in that video but I do listen to that sort of music completely sober, which is probably fair warning. (Another warning, this time the fairness of which is beyond dispute: I wouldn’t go poking around for that video at work)

Should we be humans? And get together for n drinks? What if you started a comedy club, but instead of “two drink minimum” you say “n drink minimum where n is prime.” And you can teach the servers to be like, “sir, you have had seven drinks, can i bring you four more?”

Whoa okay, hi. Drinks, yes? When are you free?




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